She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
