there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
