just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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