just come out here and I will go home with you...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
