now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
