Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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