And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
