booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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