I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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