I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
