I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
