I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
