Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
