Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we're making bets on your personal life
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
