I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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