my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
