my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
