Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
