need another drink. this is the easiest way
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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