He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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