Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
