I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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