1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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