4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
