OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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