I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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