Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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