Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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