just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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