remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
