Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
