The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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