i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
