who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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