Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
