Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
