dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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