i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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