she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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