i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
