I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
