my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
