you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
