I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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