I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
