Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
