i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
