Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
