well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
