broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
