she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
