Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
