does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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